ARGHHHHHH, it's ELMO!!!!!!!!!

If there's anything in this whole entire universe that can put the fear of God into me more than the sight (nay, even the THOUGHT) of Nikki Webster in a bikini, it's ELMO. Now I know that Elmo has hordes of fans (shockingly quite a fair few who aren't under 3 years of age) but I'm sorry Elmo - I just can't stand you, you ugly freaky bastard. I can't stand your freakishly evil eyes, or your sorry excuse for a nose or that wheedlingly high-pitched gaybo voice.

Nevertheless, lately Elmo products have been popping up faster than acne on a teeny bopper. I was happening to stroll through my local K-Mart when I got the shock of my life from none other than an ARMY of these freaky Elmo chairs:

Check out it's ugly super-deformed eyes and body, and that ridiculous clown's nose. It's PURE EVIL, I tells ya - PURE EVIIIIIIIIIL! I swear, it already looks ridiculous as he normally is, and it's just magnified tenfold in chair form. But the evilness doesn't just end at appearances. Ohhhhhhh no. It also giggles. AND shakes. INTERACTIVELY.

Honestly, can't you just FEEL THE EVIL emanating from this abomination, people? CAN'T YOU FEEL IT??!!?!?!